Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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