Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
