I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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