either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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