Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize