Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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