Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
