The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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