Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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