My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
BRING THE BAGELS
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
