We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
