when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am available for nakedness
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize