I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
