he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
