I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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