WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
