i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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