Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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