when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He shit in the fireplace
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
