Welp...herpes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
