I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
