One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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