I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
