apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize