I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
