i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
im holly from the hills drunk
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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