So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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