Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
