BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
