Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
