There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
