I didn't shave. On purpose
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
