I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You've changed since you got that strap on
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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