All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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