if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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