so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
A bitchslap is in order.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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