Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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