ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
