Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i love accidental penises.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
