it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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