i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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