The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
