The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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