Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
