hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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