I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
