Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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