U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
