So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
you had me at cake vodka
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
