guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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