After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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