I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
