ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
