but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
