me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
