Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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