alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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