Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
