i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
