Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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