Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
