Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
BRING THE BAGELS
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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