Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
