Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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