Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
