I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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