Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
