You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
