Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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