Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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