Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
