Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
