Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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